Lumps

I’ll be doing great some days, most days actually, and then I’ll log on to Facebook and there will be some comment from him on a year old post; and there will be this bitter taste in my mouth that I can’t swallow away because of the lump in my throat. I’ll start feeling cold all over, and there will be this physical pain in my heart that I can’t explain. 

Honestly, it really fucked us all up. I wasn’t here when my mom got the news, so I don’t know how she dealt with it. But, she mentions him sometimes, and those are the moments  when the lump forms and the bitter taste returns. Ironically, I found out through Facebook around 3 a.m. I can’t remember how I felt then, or how I took it, but I do remember that the bitter taste hadn’t graced my tongue, then.

It’s not like I met him every year or even every other year, but the fact that I won’t be meeting him any year every again is what screws me up. He got us some make up once, and every time I am using the eye liner in front of my mom, she’ll say, ‘that was a gift from him.’ Que the bitter taste and lump. Now you all know why I can never have a perfect cat eye. Just another something I’ll have to learn to live with.

You know how when you are going through a really bad time, there is always this one asshole in your life who makes it worse? Yeah, same. ( x2) It isn’t that hard to associate all those bad feelings, depression etc with that person’s face then, cause they are an asshole so, why not? Needless to say, their existence becomes unbearable. (I still said it because screw you.)

What is it about death that is so surprising? We are literally born to die, we know death is imminent, yet why the bitter taste and lump?  If we are born to die then is life’s sole purpose death, or just like a really amusing, albeit macabre joke?

Thank you love, life and satan’s waterfall. 

Xoxo 

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