You are sitting in a room full of people. A room full of people who are family; blood and water. It’s loud, that room, loud with the sounds of their laughter and shrieks of delight as the clowns among them do their magic. It is so loud, but it’s the loud of ‘Coming Back To Life’ being played in a silent room. It’s beautiful.
And it’s warm too. Summer sun shining on your neck, in the winter, warm. The loudness is winding down, slowly the door opens and a light chill crawls over your neck. Nothing big, the room is still warm. Yet, the chill is still there because the door is still open.
The first person gets up and leaves.. The next follows, and the next and the next. Everyone takes their time, some linger but not for long. The winter warmth dissipates slowly. Soon, everyone’s gone.
Alone in the room in that feverish cold. And there is that feeling in your stomach, the lurch and then that sinking feeling. That hollow feeling. Not knowing what to do next. Not having the energy to get up.
The last year of college has been the toughest year of my life so far. It has been a devastating year. From having my confidence and faith in myself being crushed to having friends and family leave. It has been a painful year.
I have had my confidence shaken to the point that I couldn’t send a simple text message without bursting into tears because I was so afraid that it was rude, it’d be taken out of context, or that the person I was texting simply wouldn’t reply. I remember spending half an hour building up the courage to text a friend about a book, only to spend the next two hours crying hysterically because I didn’t receive an immediate reply.
I have noticed my stutter from back when I was 12 come back because on average I was speaking only 15-20 sentences a day. From being someone who debated and was used to thinking on their feet, I have had to think for a good 5 minutes to coherently answer a simple question.
I have been so convinced that I am an awful person, that every time I did something nice for someone, I’d end up hating myself.It was so bad that I couldn’t even trust myself. I constantly questioned my own intentions.
Every time someone spoke to me or was friendly, I immediately shut down. Just like I questioned my own intentions, I questioned their’s too. My biggest relief in school was finding an empty spot in the library or an empty bench in the courtyard. And the worst feeling was wanting to be around people, but as soon as they approached hating them for coming near me.
You know how people speak of that disassociation of mind and body? Where they can see themselves doing something, yet can’t intervene? Through out this year I have watched as I slowly screwed over my life, absolutely unable to intervene much as I wanted to. And the most heartbreaking thing is knowing that even though it gets better, I can’t undo the damage. I can’t go back in time, and tell myself to gather up the energy to fill out that application for that university I dreamed of going to for a good 2 years. And sure, I can apply again next year, but knowing that there is a year gone of my life because I couldn’t help myself is devastating.
I didn’t ask for this. I didn’t ask for everyone to walk out. I didn’t ask for anxiety or depression. I didn’t ask to have a best friend who was so fucked up that the implications of h- actions/words meant nothing to h-. I didn’t ask for my mental stability to be ruined.
Yet, here I am.
And its okay.
No one asks for bad shit to happen. It just happens. You can’t control what happens in your life, you can’t control what people do. And a lot of times, you can’t control how that affects you. We learn through experience. Nobody is born with an inbuilt mechanism to deal with disappointment or anxiety, they learn through experiencing it.
I have never been a big believer in learning through experiences because I know that the pain of those experiences doesn’t always leave us . But sometimes there is no other option, because sometimes it’s your experiences that help you in ‘killing the past and coming back to life.’ (Pink Floyd- Coming Back to Life)