boys i have loved


I love heat.

The kind that toasts your skin a warm homelike brown

I like how the sun hits my face and my lips curve up in a smile anyway

And I loved the boy, who bent down in the early morning sunshine squinting

While he whispered you look beautiful in my ear.

I liked hugging him, because he was fever burning hot.

He felt like the warm embrace of a quilt or shirt you hold in front of the heater, before you put it on.


I choke at the smell of smoke

But there was the guy who I chatted with in a hotel courtyard as he smoked leaning against a pillar.

It was intoxicating. That thin trace of smoke from his filtered cigarette.

He was the one I pretended to fall asleep on once.

Just to see what’d he do.

And I remember, his slightly calloused hands trying to gently shift me off his shoulder and failing.

He’s the one, who i never told i love him  with a straight face. Because he’s the one who came after the guy who always kept me warm.



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